losing the ability to talk .... about ... "it"
slowly and surely, I find myself very poor in expressing myself whenever people ask me questions like "how" regarding both Zoe and Zane.this week, my closer colleagues and friends asked me about Zoe's psychological report and what I intend to do about it, alongside with the Dr's recommendations? I found myself not answering them fully and not even wanting to look them in the eye. Why? coz I know I will cry. The scary part is : I've become ... a bit speech handicapped. I don't know how to carry on those conversations. I've to tell Miss Tang and Mrs Choo, "don't ask anymore lah. I will cry one."
Many of these kind-hearted ladies assured me Zoe will cope well in Primary School. Dr's reports can take it with a pinch of salt, as mummy will know best.
still, my heart is faint.
then comes Zane..... how many people actually know, in the stillness of the nights, when I'm all alone in the study room, when I think about Zane and our future, I can only cry? How many people actually know how I really feel? When I told Autism Association of Singapore that I couldn't take up the 11am time slot for Zane because of work commitment, I really wanna slap myself. "What kind of mother are you?" But surely, I cannot quit with immediate notice, can I?
God, do you know that it is tough? Very, very tough? Can you hear my cries for mercy and help?
I shall not write anymore. I'm very tired. Very, very tired.
At least one thing I hope : no more questions please, as I won't know how to answer you.
posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 1:02 AM
1 Comments:
Hi Delci,
Choosing to be open and don't know how to put things across are two very different things.
I'm at the "don't know how to put things across" path.
At this very juncture, I really don't know whether I will really defer Zoe and for Zane's next step.
So, when someone asks, I answer. And hopefully as brief and clear as I can.
You know me lah, I won't even hold a cry party with Josh, lest talk about with friends.
There was one night I was so so frustrated with Zane that .... I went out very late at night, and that night, I really wish I did not have a tomorrow to face.
I sat in a 24 Hour MacDonalds till very late. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote on a journal which a friend gave me years back. I cried and I cried and I cried.
And I realised that I have to face up with myself. Even the closest person to me cannot help me through this emotional and psychological hurdle.
This is something I have to overcome, Delci. And at this very moment, I am not strong enough.
I just wanna ensure I still do my job up to expectations, take care of my children well and be sane.
Thank you for being so true and loving at the same time. What you said stung a little but I do know where you are coming from. Believe me, I am not putting on brave front or not being true to my own feelings, I am just inadequate in spoken words in fully expressing how I really feel (maybe I don't wanna have too many feelings at this point). If I am, I won't even blog, I will continue to seal ....
Love,
Jess
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