Sunday, July 30, 2006

never expected this pleasant surprise

This weekend is a car-less weekend. It is quite a hassle without a car when you have two young children in tow. If it rains, it will be more challenging. Coz there will be many times when you need a cab and none will be available to take you and even when you call for one, it just won't come. So, this weekend, we tried to take public bus transport as far as possible. We also realise that it will usually limit our choice destinations to Orchard, Raffles City, Marina Square or Esplanade. Well, you guessed it, these are the bus route's destinations, ha.

Anyway, both days, we headed to Suntec area.

Today, Josh needed to check on his project, so we made a quick trip to Orchard. The bus was packed, so all of us sat on different single seats. Zoe was two seats away from me.

Zoe brought her newest bouncey ball out. And like any other disobeying child, she took the ball out in the crowded bus. And you guessed it again, she dropped it (just how predictable it can get, isn't it?). As it is a bouncey ball and as its name suggests, it is very bouncey, so, it boing, boing, boing under the whole row of seats till even mummy bent all the way till her face could kiss the bus floor, she still couldn't see it. One kind lady tried looking around her feet for the ball.

As we were alighting soon, we had to give up the search. When we went down the bus' steps, I saw the ball stucked under the bus door. As the doors open and close, the ball would be dragged along. I attempted to pull the ball out but with no success. I could only let go and watch the doors close and the bus driving off, with a teary Zoe next to me. She cried not because she "lost" her bouncey ball, but because mummy was really mad and scolded her upside down. I really gave her an earful. She has this habit of losing things. How can I let her learn to take care of her belongings unless I let her bring a few out? I can't banned her from bringing anything out for too long. She will never have the chance to be responsible for her stuffs. How is she gonna make it in Primary School, I really wonder. And, I am faithless in this aspect. Of course, those times she came home with the same items she brought out, I did praise her. But that doesn't mean she hardly lose things.

Our Suntec trip was "normal". I wasn't keen in food, cafe or shopping. So, by two plus, I wanted us to head home.

At the bus stop it started raining. Oh well. The bus took a very long time to arrive. We almost wanted to give up and join the taxi queue.

Just then, a 50+ year old lady who was standing next to us took out a ball and said she recognised Zane. She handed Zane the ball, assuming that it was him who dropped it. She said, after we alighted and the door close, she retrieved the ball from the step. She told herself she would wash the ball and who knows she may bump into us again. And, she did !!!!! The ball has scratches on it, but never mind, I am going to keep it as a momento. This is the hand of God. No one else can perform this miracle. That instant, I heard the voice of God, "I care, My child."

The amazing thing is we actually alighted in Orchard and headed to Suntec, while that kind lady alighted at Suntec. And, we met at the bus stop at the same time. We all know how crowded Suntec can be on a Sunday. In the midst of the conversation, that lady mentioned "Gan3 Xie4 Zhu3", (translated "Thank the Lord Jesus")........ yes, indeed, gan xie zhu. Amen.

Thank You, Lord.

Love,
Jess

Monday, July 24, 2006

Man Proposes, God Disposes

To a man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue.

All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16

.....................................

"Lord God, Thou Art in Heaven, please direct our steps.
We can plan, we can envision. But we need Your reply.
We need to commit and we need to wait upon You.
We want to know what are the next steps for us.
Please show us Your ways."





Saturday, July 15, 2006

losing the ability to talk .... about ... "it"

slowly and surely, I find myself very poor in expressing myself whenever people ask me questions like "how" regarding both Zoe and Zane.

this week, my closer colleagues and friends asked me about Zoe's psychological report and what I intend to do about it, alongside with the Dr's recommendations? I found myself not answering them fully and not even wanting to look them in the eye. Why? coz I know I will cry. The scary part is : I've become ... a bit speech handicapped. I don't know how to carry on those conversations. I've to tell Miss Tang and Mrs Choo, "don't ask anymore lah. I will cry one."

Many of these kind-hearted ladies assured me Zoe will cope well in Primary School. Dr's reports can take it with a pinch of salt, as mummy will know best.

still, my heart is faint.

then comes Zane..... how many people actually know, in the stillness of the nights, when I'm all alone in the study room, when I think about Zane and our future, I can only cry? How many people actually know how I really feel? When I told Autism Association of Singapore that I couldn't take up the 11am time slot for Zane because of work commitment, I really wanna slap myself. "What kind of mother are you?" But surely, I cannot quit with immediate notice, can I?

God, do you know that it is tough? Very, very tough? Can you hear my cries for mercy and help?

I shall not write anymore. I'm very tired. Very, very tired.

At least one thing I hope : no more questions please, as I won't know how to answer you.



Tuesday, July 11, 2006

am I still mad ?

Honestly, I do not know and I don't wish to make it known to myself ..... ie. am I still mad ?

Had a brief conversation with Oi Leng. She hit on a sore question which I always hope no one will ask, coz I won't know how to answer. I only 'jokingly' said, "Well, I will never wanna have a number three. If number three also like that or worse than number two, I will really "fan lian" with Him."

I long and hope for a miracle. I honestly want a change. Don't tell me there are many others who are in the same boat. I am not alone, blah, blah, blah. I still have to answer myself .... am I still mad ?

In my lot, normalcy is a luxury. When I see others around me taking normalcy for granted and even be harsh to their normal children, I really feel like kicking those parents in their asses. They never appreciate the joy of normalcy. And taking for granted the way they can have two way communications with their children easily.

2007 ..... how to walk the road ahead? Dare not think ... God, one thing for sure, we need more money. Intervention programs need money. Travelling need money. Materials need money. More please, if You are willing to provide.