unhomed ..... or unchurched ?
Unhomed sounds more accurate.Without realising, I've left E for almost a year. E had been home, my first earthly heavenly home. As to why I left, even Josh also had to spend some time probing the reasons out. Many issues and unresolved misperceptions, I guess. Anyway, E's strict rules with regards to leadership remains. I bowed out since I think i was no longer up to the "mark".
Sometimes, when I am in my lamenting moods, I will ask myself, "Maybe things will be different if I had agreed to PM's offer?" Or "Maybe I should just trust God in meeting the travelling expenses to and fro?" Or "Maybe I should just be thick-skinned enough to ensure all the way that my children can be intergrated into their children's ministry though they are a very different kinda sheep?"
I think I left as I was too tired fighting myself. Plus I'm too private to share. Whatever people think and perceive, so be it. I'm bothered no more. Out of sight, out of mind? Hopefully works for the others. But definitely not for me.
Till now, E's website still remains in my favourite list. Till now, I will enter the site and look at the pictures of my beloved Ps. If only they know what's exactly in my heart and not just through my CL and then RP, by then, all the messages conveyed are misrepresented or diluted, or may end up ... dismissed. To be fair, the thing is : I did not even try. I just exited quietly. No formal good-byes. I'm not totally burning the bridge behind me. Because, what if, one day, I feel like.... returning home ?
Tried another E. Same denomination. But the church's focus isn't what I'm comfortable with. And the sunday school is also very big and untrained.
Now, supposedly with J. The sunday school is small and ideal for my children. I still miss the good, old, solid sermons of E's Ps. To be honest, the best sermons I've heard the past year from J were those in the June's church camp, by the camp speaker.
J's people are warm. Non-pushy sort, which I am very comfortable with. J's people are also commited to their various ministries. Just not as strict as E and thus more human touch. During the camp, J's Ps can sit at our table and had meals with us, had long fellowship just to know us more. J's people are brought up to respect those older than them. All those young adults and teens actually call me "Auntie Chern Chern" or "Auntie Jess". Something I respect them for. My angel in the camp, who is just a 16 yo teen boy actually bought a pricey straw bag for me. Pricey coz I think he bought it from the hotel's gift shop (so price is marked up substantially). He also bought cookies for me and I know it was meant for Zoe and Zane. Remarkable as these came from a teen. I was .... touched by my angel, I must say.
Staying in J? Honestly, I dunno. Which is why till now, I feel .... unhomed.
Love,
Jesselyn
posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 9:36 AM
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