Clay in The Potter's Hands

if only ...

if only the weekend is longer....

if only I do not have such high expectations of myself at work.....

if only I am more willing to let go.....

if only I am more trusting.....

if only I lower my expectations of others....

if only my heart will not grow cold and weary....

if only the world is still a beautiful and kind place.....

if only the ground we are toiling on is not hard ground.....

if only I can still sing the songs I want to sing.....

if only I can feel someone is really listening.....

if only I can be sure he is here.....

if only I can be strong no matter what tidal wave hits me relentlessly and continuously.....

if only I have a little space to be myself.....

if only I can rest....

sometimes, I wish I am HOME

no more pain....

no more sorrow.....

no more trials....

no more tears.....

how long more can I be strong ?

I am, at the end of the day, still a woman.

Oh yes, woman is made to have the inner strength that her stronger half may not possess.

Does this matter?

another week is dawning and I am so not looking forward.

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 10:38 PM 1 comments

He wiped my tears

Last night was horrible for me when we were at my in laws' place for dinner.

Mil raised an issue. Accused me of giving her pressure when what I did was just circling tomorrow's date on her calendar to remind myself to let her know that I need her help in minding Zane in the aftenoon as Zoe has an assessment test with NUH's psychologist. I felt so ........... not in the family, especially when she commented that the calendar is only meant for the three of them who live in her flat. Ok then, noted, as far as the silly calendar is concerned, I am AN OUTSIDER!

This is so super hurting. I couldn't hold back my tears. Took over the feeding of Zane forcefully from Josh. Think brother-in-law saw my black face. But, what the heck. I couldn't bring myself to sit next to mil for dinner (this family has designated seatings for dinner, btw), so I purposely took a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg time to feed Zane. I took two pieces of tissue paper on the pretext of wiping Zane's mouth. Actually for my own tears lah. I backfaced everyone and just cried as I fed Zane.


Then ..... Zane stretched out his hand .... and wiped the tears on my cheeks !!!

He knew I was sad !! He "told" me, "Mummy, don't cry, I love you!"



I was touched beyond words.


Love,
Jess

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 9:41 PM 4 comments

A Different Ball Game Altogether

Nowadays ......


I find myself speaking a different kind of language.

I find myself finding a different type of resources.

I find myself mixing among a different group of people.

I find myself doing a different kind of job.

I find myself mothering in a different way.

I find myself in a very different world.

I find myself in ....... Zane's world, a very different kind of world.


I live, breathe, speak, read, listen, do, research (etc) ..... autism.

And this is such a huge and foreign world to me.

I'm like an alien on this A planet.

I will be bold enough to continue to be in this game, together with my son. He will be my coach and I will be his trainee. I must admit through Zane, I've been learning a lot more, first as a person, next as a mother and lastly as an educator. Zane has taught me to "read" people, especially reading little people. This is one subject my early childhood lecturers never taught me in school. Zane has been giving me the "on the job training".


"Lord, please give me strength to trod on this road less travelled."


Love,
Jesselyn Ng

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 5:52 AM 0 comments

Thinly Spread ....

I'm very thinly spread.

Praying for more divine strength.

I need a renewed mind which only Your Holy Spirit can give.

Let me be the lamp which have enough oil ... for the darkest hours of the night.

Amen.

Prayerful me

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 6:45 PM 0 comments

Marketplace aka Work Place

Colleagues are good to have, especially if you can get along well with them. It will be a bonus if you can develop close friendships with them and these relations even stay after one of you leaves the work place.

By the Grace and Provision of the Lord, I have the opportunity to know a great bunch of colleagues from my previous work places. In the first school I taught in, I got to know 20 over ladies over the span of 8 years. My Principal cum Mentor was a godly and wise lady. Working under her not only equipped me for this field beyond the teaching skills, she had also taught me the Christian principles behind human dynamics. My colleagues were also a wonderful lot of Christian ladies.

On New Year's day, I was invited to a dear ex-colleague's son's wedding. My hubby was perplexed that I was invited to a wedding whereby I don't even know the groom and bride. Hee .... strange hor? But, it was very fun. Ahem, it just shows how young I was when I first started in this career, grins. Our table was like a reunion sort of setting. Lots of laughter, pulling of one another's legs, teasing, catching up etc. And of course, we were noisy. Thankfully, we were in a very good corner.

At my second work place, though it was just a short stint of 3 months, I am blessed to know 3 very good colleagues who are in their 40s. They are full if wisdom whenever they give me parenting advises. I am so happy to "see" beyond my circumstances through their experiences, that alone can save me from potential heartaches.

Truly, at times it is good to

"Ting1 Lao3 Ren2 Yan2"

This is my 3rd year in this Kindergarten I'm working with. By God's provision again, I am glad that I can have a part time teaching post. The timing fits perfectly around my two children's schooling hours. Initially, I would have to stop teaching for this year if Zoe is in Primary One. Zoe's deferment will enable me to bring her along to work and continue to teach. Thank You, Lord!

At this place, I am also very blessed to be surrounded by very good and understanding colleagues. I have good bosses and mentors too. And .... being in a Christian environment helps me to grow, in faith and in grace.

Amen.

Love,
Jesselyn Ng

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 5:22 PM 0 comments

Changes. Some are welcomed. Some are not.

2007 began as a different year which I had expected in 2006.

Zoe was registered with Jurong Primary School and due to begin her Primary One life last Wednesday. However, mummy and daddy dears sought for deferment for her. Getting an approval was easy. I see it as better for her that she has another year in preschool to get ready for the bigger school. Furthermore she is a year 2000 baby, which means she will have to compete with the same 46000+ children her age in every phase of their education and even possibly including job search.

Getting Zoe to come to terms with this deferment was not easy. She understands that she is already 6. She looked forward to going to a big school like the rest of her peers. She looked forward to growing up.

Sorry, little angel, I have to dash your dreams for a year. I have Zane to consider too. So, mummy really have to slow you down a bit.

By God's divine intervention and provision, Zane was offered a place at AAS. He was suppose to start EIP with Fei Yue, but somehow, AAS called and granted him a place. Even though the timing isn't too ideal as Zane can be rather sleepy during the sessions, I am glad that he was able to survive through each session so far.

There are changes requested from Zane's school. Firstly, he is on half day care now. That also means once I'm done at my school, I've to drop everything or carry outstanding work back so that I can pick Zane by one. Before reaching his school, it will be a bonus if Zoe gets to eat her lunch. If not, it will be late lunch for her. Not ideal definitely, but can't be helped. I really pray that the shadowing arrangement will really work out. If Zane were to quit school, that also means I have to quit too.

I can quit my job, but hopefully after I complete this year? I've started in what I've proposed to do, I don't wish to stop or ... play my school out. I really wish to graduate with all my 23 babies.

Lord, please, shine Your Light that I may know which are the correct steps to take. Through all things, trials and pains, may Your Name be glorified still. Please give me the supernatural strength that I need. And please continue to help me to keep my heart soft, especially towards people.

In Jesus Christ's Name, I pray. Amen.

Love,
Jesselyn

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 5:48 PM 0 comments

The New Year

has been a good start so far.

Better than I've expected.

Year end was family time. Josh took his block leave the last few days of 2006. We went for a chalet at Changi Village. The children had lots of water fun! We had a pleasant surprise too. Zoe was delighted that we planned to spend her birthday weekend away!

School started swiftly. Almost dragged myself to school, but still gotta brace myself up for the new class, new premise and new challenges. So far so smooth in school.

Will hope to write more, gotta go now ..


Jess

posted by Jesselyn Ng @ 7:10 AM 0 comments