Clay in The Potter's Hands: December 2006

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas 2006

" Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la

la la la la "

I wish with all my heart it is really a season to be jolly afterall.

In the midst of so called celebrating Christmas, there is always a nagging question:

After this year (which is ending pretty fast, btw), what will tomorrow hold in 2007 ?

Still, whatever have been planned in advance, I will carry them out. None of these plans will come to nought because certain things may not remain as status quo in the coming year.

I still ....

bring the children to Adeline's Garage every week. It is their weekly treat. It will remain so. It is costly definitely. But it is worth it. Adeline is such an effective facilitator in social play.

I still ....

opened my house for staff's Christmas celebration last Thursday. I thought of asking my dear colleague to open her house instead as I might not be up to it to be ready to receive so many guests in my humble abode.

I am very glad to host this celebration. I can tell that all the teachers enjoyed themselves at my place. They are mostly mums, so they do understand why it was better to host the get together at my place for the sake of my special children.

They are also understanding and gracious, esp some of them are staying rather out of the way from Jurong East St 32. On top of that, they washed the cups and such, packed the toys etc. That I think was very thoughtful and that helped a lot as I have another group of guests to receive that same evening.

Topic of the day was ...... breasts !! Of all topics?? Oh well, oh my. Let them be lah. I was conferred with a new title .... "bouncer" ..... hahahaha .....

I still ....

had a simple appreciation dinner with my son's 2006 teachers. Only 3 of them could come as the 4th one was transferred to another centre. I had to keep it to this mini sized group. As we were eating, I was hoping in my heart that it will not be a farewell.

I sincerely pray and hope that things will work out next year.

I am very blessed to see that they love Zane very much. Zane loves the alphabet toy they bought for him. He wanted to rip the box immediately after his teachers left. He wanted to lug this newest ABC collection to his bed too. And I believe if possible, bring it to school the following day.

One of his teachers commented that my house is like a school. That I agree. And that Zane has many many many toys and books. That is also true. Josh and I are never stingy with the children over books.

Hee .... hey, I can run a play school in my house you know? Kekeke .....
Is that legal btw? Hmmmmm ......

I still ....

let Zane go to school for his school's Christmas Party, though I know it would be confusing making him go to school in party clothes and not his uniform. True enough, he whined all the way. However, the moment he saw his teacher, he was smiling. Teacher called him "handsome" and I think he understood, coz he grinned.

As I left for school with Zoe, I sure hoped he would survive the day and hopefully his new teachers survived too.

I still ....

met my good, old church friends over lunch. It was brief but good.

I still ....

went back to school almost every day last week to clear some stuffs. Well, it was neccesary. Too bad the shifting couldn't commence yet due to camps after camps. We are seen as invading that space. Oh well ....

I still ....

get Christmas gifts for very dear ones whom I wanna appreciate. Spent almost $200 on accessories for 5 very special ladies in my life. That is almost my whole Christmas shopping budget, hehehe ..... the rest will cut back, or cut off.... no choice lah.... kekeke ....

It is good to be new kid in the block in church, that also means no need to get gifts for church leaders and friends or friends' children. Yeah! Oops ....

I still ....

attended the Glowing Seed Review. I was glad that I was up to it. I was very tired from all the sleepless nights since 14 Dec. And my mind wasn't as sharp as it should be.

I still .....

went about doing my daily duties as a mother and wife.

I have yet to .....

write my new lesson plans for Jan 2007.

Next week lah ... I'm very tired.

I've more urgent things to attend to. Many phone calls to make. Many things to finalise before the term starts.

My students will definitely see me on Jan 3. And ... Zoe Ng is going to be one of my new kids on the block, yeah. She will be with me all the time, from sunrise to sunset, except the 2 afternoons when I have to bring Zane to AAS for therapy sessions.

Zoe is the most delighted over such an arrangement. Smiles. She is a joy and a comfort to have. She will always say "I love you, Mummy!" with hugs and kisses every now and then each day to cheer me on. She is forever my sunshine girl, especially when the skies are grey. Thank God for you, Zoe girl!

Love,
Jesselyn Ng

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

tired .... but .....

am feeling very tired.

in all senses.

in all areas.

BUT .....

I will walk on.

I HAVE to walk on.

"I lift up mine eyes unto the hills,

from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord,

which made heaven and earth.

He will not suffer my foot to be moved;

He that keepeth me will not slumber.

Behold, He that keepeth IsRael

shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is my keeper:

The Lord is my shade upon my right hand.

The sun shall not smite me by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve me from all evil:

He shall preserve my soul.

The Lord shall preserve my going out

and my coming in from this time forth,

and even forevermore."

Amen.

Psalm 121

Saturday, December 16, 2006

we need wisdom, we need power ...

..... and true love for each other.

We have had so many big but empty words.

So, we come before Your Face,

Asking for Your Grace,

Bring Your People to a state of Kingdom life.

Restore Your Church again.

Touch Your People once again,

With Your precious Holy Hands, we pray.

Let Your kingdom shine above the earth,

Through a living glorious Church.

Not for temporary needs,

But to restore authority and power.

May a mighty rushing Wind blows in.

Touch Your People once again.

Lord, You see Your tired servants,

The broken-wounded soldiers,

Oh, how much, we need Your precious healing Hands.

So, we come before Your Face,

Asking for Your Grace,

Bring Your People to a state of kingdom life.

Restore Your Church again.

Friday, December 15, 2006

rejection after rejection .....

......... from so called
..........C_______ organisations.

Zoe started preschool in 2004 Jan.

On 8th Jan, I received a call from her Principal.
Purpose : To take Zoe out of her school and let her stay at home with me.

3 years later .....

Zane started Nursery Class on 4 Dec.

On 14 Dec, his Principal spoke with me.
Purpose : Guess you can guess.

What am I going to do?

God help us. Please helpppppp.... don't reject us like men do too!

I cannot don't work. I need the income to finance his twice weekly therapy costs.
Furthermore, I've commited to 2007 teaching. I can't back out now.

Frustrated, angry and disappointed Jess

P/S:
God, how can Your people or Your organisations which bear Your Name, give thanks to Your Name, etc.... do this to me??? Not once, but twice??? Thankfully, I only have two children.
In Your mercy and grace, no more 3rd/4th ones for us please, I am not a rejection-taker expert.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A-no-specific-blog-title-post

Today was a good day. Had a very fabulous time catching up with a very dear friend and her lovely children. It is always relaxing to be at her place. Zane was superbly cooperative. He was very diligent, purposely and focused. He tasked himself with many different assignments and projects. And he busied himself the whole 5 hours. This is one friend whom I always wish we stay nearer to each other.

This friend noted that I did not update on Zoe's Garage @Venture's Birthday Party in my blog. Hee..... I guess when it comes to blogging, I just plonked my emotions via the keyboard more than events journaling.

I am more of a spirit-soul-body person when it comes to sharing about myself using the cyber space as a medium.

Spirit meaning the spiritual things which I hold very dear to my heart. After all these years as a Christian, I am thankful for the Grace of God. He picked me up at a tender yet dark age of 16. I am very thankful that I know the Lord early, just before I wrecked my life further. I am most sensitive to things which happen and bear meanings in the spiritual sense.

Eg: Just last week, I smsed hubby and a few dear friends what I witnessed when I stood in my living room. The part where the dining hall's windows is? It was raining cats and dogs. But, the part of the sky which the TV area's windows is? It was sunny and cloudy! To me, this has a spiritual meaning. In my very down and earthly moment, the Lord showed me this phenomenon to encourage me on.

"I hold EVERYTHING in My Hands. Even the clouds, rain and wind listen to My command. One side of your life may be very stormy now, but you will always have the sunny side which you see on your right at the same time too. Because you have Me. And I am here with you."

I've not told hubby or my dear friends, that moment I cried with gratitude.

Without Him, I would not have lasted so long in my journey with Zane.

Thank You, Lord.

Soul meaning the things and events which strike cords in my heart strings. Think I need not elaborate much on this. I think most of us are emotional beings and whatever happen around us do have some impact on us.

Body meaning just relating the events. In short, whatever happen outwardly. Where? What? How? ...... etc ..... can be just plain documenting at times.

This is why, many a times, you read the spirit-soul sharing first ..... I may get to the body sharing only when I feel like it and maybe, just wanna update, or write something.

Thanks for reading.

Love you all!

Jesselyn Ng

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A Week Has Passed ....

Today is Sunday. Josh is attending church with Zoe. I've attended the church's Saturday service yesterday. Staying in Jurong also means I basically need an hour (minimum) to travel to another part of Singapore. If I am to go to church by train, I must leave the house by 4pm.

To my few friends who stay near to town, do continue to give thanks that it is really more convenient to be "central". *smiles*

@ Lynn, every ladies' night, I am ALWAYS the last one among us to reach home. Hailing a cab from town at that hour is also time consuming, not to say expensive. Like all of you had said, if ladies' night is ever held at Jurong Point, no one will come, hahaha ..... is Jurong that 'ulu', btw? Kekeke .....

The 3rd week of holiday was a work week.

I went back to school 4 days in a row. Churning and churning.... and not completely done yet.

Zoe sat in the children's camp for a few morning sessions. It was wonderful for her as she got to sit under the mentorship of her favourite teacher, Mrs Poh. She sure enjoyed the attention and tender loving care. (so unlike mummy, who can be overly strict with her at times.)

Zane had quite a boring week, so as to speak, hee. By evening time, mummy's battery's flat already lah. Bringing Zane out has been tiring. He floors a lot. He is loud. He is unwavering. So, there are a lot of battles each time. I do warn his teachers about going for walks around the neighbourhood. Recently, whenever we do not go by the routes he has in mind, he floors. He is bigger and stronger now, so, it is kinda difficult to restrain him. When he was physically smaller, we could still whip him up with both arms and carry him back home or to class, by force. Now, Zane is strong enough to throw us ladies over.

Whenever he acts up, at the back of my mind, I do think, "What if when he is 10, 15 or even 20, he is still like that?". "Lock him at home 24/7?". Honestly, I dare not think. I just do whatever I can NOW.

I've learnt to be thick-skinned and I am learning to be vocal and expressive. Think my closer friends will know what I mean. So, dear friends, please don't feel too embarrassed by me, if you ever have the chance to see ME ACT UP in public when we are out together with all our kiddos.

So far, the word "special" is still a very harsh word for me to swallow. I hope the day will come when I use this word with pride and it has become a really beautiful word to me.

As for now, every hurt inflicted on my special child and I, either by people I know, or from strangers, every week, I must lay them at the feet of Jesus. I must ask the Lord to lift them from my heart. I must walk on bravely. I will continue to be my special child's advocate.

God, please give me love and grace.
Love for the people who know not what they are saying or doing.
Grace to forgive them.

Hurting Jess

Friday, December 01, 2006

Today is Zane's Day !

Finally, Zane is napping.

Zoe isn't bugging me for her pc turn yet, so, I still can rot here. Ha .....

Today is the designated day to bring Zane to the Zoo.

Usually, Zane only has one agenda when he visits the Zoo.
That is : Water Pool !

Today's weather is fantastic! It only rained when we were on our way home in a taxi.

It was a challenging day still.

Bringing Zane out (along with Zoe) has always been very challenging for me. It needs lots of mental preparation. I need four eyes and four hands preferably.

We waited almost 45 minutes for a cab in the morning!

Tough luck.

Somehow, people are feeling richer when it is year end.
Sooooooooooooooo many working people waiting for taxis?
And a few even "snatched" cabs from us, ie. "cut" our queue by standing ten metres ahead of us.

Nevermind, I have time.

We took a feeder bus to interchange to get a cab.

When we finally got one, the taxi driver told Zane off for making noise. He said his babbling was causing his ears to hurt and he couldn't stand it. If we were not along an Expressway, I would have ask him to pull over and we would hail another cab.

I retorted in Mandarin : (as cool as I can, so as not to sound offended)

This boy has autism.

His loud noises are not within his control.

He is just being excited that he is going to the Zoo.

If he is a normal child, he will be quiet the moment I tell him to.

But he is not normal.

Brave of me? Yes.
And ..... it is painful. Though those are just 5 simple sentences.

The rest of the ride, I didn't even look in front.

"Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!" ..... he replied ..... silence from him all the way ....

Still, I told him to keep the change for the fare, as he would have to leave the Zoo without passengers.

I must be more prepared for such encounters.

The public needs to be educated about autism. At least being informed will help them a bit. And of course, hopefully helps my son.

Zane threw a few tantrums here and there. As expected. And I was firm.

As usual. No means no. Drag and go. He want to floor, he can. Since he is stronger than I when he wants to floor. But, he will still have to get up and move on.

I am not buying pizza for him when I know he will only eat the pineapples.

I am not buying Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream for him, when I have a tub of ice cream sitting in my freezer.

That's final.

Ha .....

To and fro the Zoo will cost a fair bit in the taxi fares. So, I will have to cut down on frills. Breakfast and lunch were packed from he2 li4 and Prima Deli. That was just $8.

It was a good trip.

Zane wasn't afraid of taking the choo choo train. That is a consolation. And an achievement for Zane.

Zoe was disappointed that she couldn't have the pony and elephant rides. Not today, my princess. Maybe the next time when Daddy comes along.

The Zoo is very pleasant now. I appreciate the new landscape.

Love,
Jesselyn

Clay in The Potter's Hands